i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
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*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I feel attacked.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.