I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

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Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.


Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school


Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.


Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?


Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.


Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody


A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream


“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.


I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.