@sharpular
@LuvPug Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
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@LuvPug 
@meganamram Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
@UNDEADTRESOR Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
@DocGregith Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
@JohnLyonTweets Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
@AnkCoupleTO Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
@SCbchbum A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
@JimmerThatisAll “Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
@lmwortho I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
@Mr_Mike_Clarke #DesignFail
