@sharpular

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

You Might Also Like

@LuvPug

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

@meganamram

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

@UNDEADTRESOR

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

@DocGregith

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

@SCbchbum

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

@JimmerThatisAll

“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.

@lmwortho

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.