I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
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Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head