I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

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Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.


Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.


Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.


I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.


Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no



The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.


Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts


When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits


Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.