@krisv_723

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

You Might Also Like

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

@noog

Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.

@LindaInDisguise

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

@jifrulz

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

@sug_knight

Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no

@ShortSleeveSuit

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

@rusty_coach

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

@SoVeryBritish

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

@VaChina1

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.