I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
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[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.