Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇

Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?

I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda

I’m not proud

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”

*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day

Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids