I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
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If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
This is a bad sign
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?