I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
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Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
this is me
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.