Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

me linking you to my twitter

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

How do dragons blow out candles?

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week