I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
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Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York