I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
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[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.