I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
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Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Am I having a stroke?
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*