I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
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Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter