I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
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Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Happy thanksgiving
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe