I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
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[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.