I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
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Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.