I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
You Might Also Like
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Imagine having a party on purpose.