I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
You Might Also Like
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other