I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
You Might Also Like
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉