I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
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A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
What fresh Hell is this?!?
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum