I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
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Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
pizza
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.