I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Meow?
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
spot the difference
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.