@urgeekisshowing

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

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@WilliamAder

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

@gobmentcheese

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

@ojedge

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

@OtherDanOBrien

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

@DainWins

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

@mommajessiec

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

@SteveSuckington

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

@cravin4

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

@realrossnoble

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.