I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
You Might Also Like
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Why is everyone getting married at me
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
A game married people play.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.