I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

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Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.


In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.


[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]


[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
“Oh honey, I love it!”


Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]


Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.


“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”


Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.


Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.