I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
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Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.