imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
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Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Me: It鈥檚 so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn鈥檛 stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 馃槈
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day