Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
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I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
my first day as a raccoon
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.