Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
You Might Also Like
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Ooops wrong house😂😜
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
no one likes gloating
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Care for your back
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I feel this so hard
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.