imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
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No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
accurate
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby