Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
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How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
My life in a nutshell
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…