Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
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Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”