imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
You Might Also Like
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50