Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
You Might Also Like
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.