imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
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My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.