Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
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The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?