@bigtenniscourt

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

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@eileencurtright

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

@SaddestTiger

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

@AimeeHelene1

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

@JustBeingEmma

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?

@kimtopher22

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

@mrjohndarby

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

@david8hughes

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

@GrumpyBahr

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.