Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
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“Why you watching this shit?”
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.