Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
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Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
My doctor says I shouldn鈥檛 get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn鈥檛 suggested who should do it for me.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I鈥檇 probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he鈥檒l look like a wizard
6YO: No, he鈥檒l definitely look like a panda
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 馃檨
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
normalize slapping the phone out someone鈥檚 hand when they use speakerphone in public.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.