imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
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Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead