imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
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[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.