Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.