Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

Gods work.

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”

The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.

Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!

Me: Soup

W: That’s Queso dip!!

M: Cheese soup

describing stardew valley

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.