Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
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i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Noah
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red