Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
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[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Can. I. Help. You.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary