@GrahamKritzer

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

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@LilyBaileyUK

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

@goodgrief_rats

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

@LuvPug

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

@Midgetspar

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

@ThisOneSayz

27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!

@SuperRandomish

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

@secondofhername

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

@andiedandie0

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

@bridger_w

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”