@GrahamKritzer

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

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@behindyourback

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

@WilliamAder

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.

@JillianKarger

DARTH VADER: I am your father

LUKE: Buy me some jeans then

DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this

@Thuggedraccoon

Doctor: It doesn’t look good

Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet

Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste

@chris_isloi

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

@PeachCoffin

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

@DanMentos

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

@shesatornado

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy