Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
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I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets