imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
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*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.