imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
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I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname