imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
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[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR