imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
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How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?