@StupiDucker

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

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@bridger_w

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

@mrgan

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

@ElgatoEsmio

I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.

He was behind this terrible fence.

In my neighbor’s yard.

@psybermonkey

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

@ThisOneSayz

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*

@WheelTod

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

@caseytduncan

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.