Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
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“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”