Imagine being the first person to do that trick where it looks like you’re pulling your thumb apart and then being burned at the stake.
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her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Something Saturday.
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My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
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I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..