Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
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Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.