Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
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My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Monday Lisa
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I did not eat the cake…
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.