Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
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Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Cha-ching is my safe word