imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
You Might Also Like
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
HELP 😭
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?