Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
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“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them